Aroha

Transforming circumstances through the power of love.

In a world often characterised by conflict and division, the power of love stands as a beacon of hope, capable of transforming the most challenging situations. I feel quite hesitant in writing this as I know when facing very challenging situations it can be extremely difficult to remember to turn ones focus from the hurt being experienced to hope. The thought that your escape route is acting in love can be challenging.

When describing challenging scenarios, I prefer to use the word Aroha which comes from the Māori language (New Zealand) and translates in English to love. Often we when hear the word love, we automatically associate it with romance. However, the word Aroha is more of a concept and means so much more.  Dr Hinemoa Elder in her book ‘Aroha’ says the word “describes a deeply felt emotion and a way of thinking that encompasses love, compassion, sympathy and empathy.” Furthermore, it describes an action and a force that can change the course of events. Dr Martin Luther King Jr., an advocate of nonviolent resistance, famously said, “Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” This idea is rooted in the understanding that love can disarm conflict, create bridges, and foster understanding.

If we view the concept of aroha as a transformative force, we discover how showing love and compassion can indeed give individuals the power to control and positively change situations. A powerful true story that illustrates how one person can positively change a situation with aroha is about Eric Lomax. During World War II he was captured by the Japanese and sent to Thailand to work on the railroad. He constructed a radio to bring news of the war to his fellow prisoners to boost morale. Because of this he suffered brutal and continuous torture and interrogation. Thirty years later Lomax and his best friend and fellow ex-POW Finley are still suffering psychological trauma of their wartime experiences. Finley finds out that one of the tormentors was now working as a tourist guide in the same camp that they were held prisoner. Unable to handle the memories Finley sadly commits suicide. In an attempt to let go of a lifetime of bitterness and hate, Lomax travels back to Thailand and to the camp.  When he confronts his former captor he lets revenge take a hold and starts questioning him in the same way he had been treated. The former Japanese soldier explained that he had been brainwashed and apologised for his behaviour. Before Lomax starts giving him the same physical treatment that he received, Lomax changes his mind, and instead of revenge seeks reconciliation. The act of forgiveness freed Lomax from the trauma and he was able to live out the rest of his life content and no longer suffering.

Image created using Dall-e, not accurate representation of Lomax or his former captor

Power of Empathy and Understanding

At the heart of aroha is empathy, the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. We see this illustrated in the Lomax’s story. Empathy allows individuals to step into someone else’s shoes, see their perspective, and like Lomax respond with compassion. This is crucial in any conflict resolution. Consider a family where conflict reigns. When one member decides to approach the situation with unconditional love, listening and understanding rather than reacting, the dynamics can shift. Over time, this approach can break down walls of hostility, leading to healthier, more open relationships.  When people feel understood and valued, they are  likely to open up and cooperate, leading to more positive outcomes. A caveat …. approaching situations with aroha, empathy and understanding does not mean you should agree with the other person/s, it means you can understand the situation from their perspective and make wise choices in how you respond.

Likewise in a corporate setting, a leader who shows genuine care and concern for employees can transform the workplace atmosphere. Google’s Project Aristotle, set about finding what made the most effective teams. Researchers found that psychological safety is the number one trait of an effective team and encourages a culture of mutual respect. Psychological safety can be defined as having a sense of confidence that the team will not embarrass or punish someone for speaking up. This safety is often fostered through acts of empathy and understanding.

Responding in this way to conflict takes persistence and sometimes the tension will still be there despite you approaching the situation with aroha. It can feel awkward and often we end up blaming ourselves when we have done nothing wrong. Its at these times that we need to draw upon our inner confidence and not accept the blame. I was in a difficult situation in a workplace where I was being blamed for things going wrong. It was very stressful and everything in me wanted to run away or retaliate back. Instead I took a good look at the situation and realised while being blamed, I actually had done nothing wrong, I dug deep to draw upon my inner confidence, put a smile on the dial and walked into the office each day saying to myself that I had a teflon coating and no S**t was going to stick. I went out of my way to laugh with my colleagues show them care. It was a daily struggle and really hard work mentally and emotionally, but after about 3 months things started to change. After another 18 months I left that workplace a respected team member.

The Science Behind Aroha’s Power

Neuroscientific research provides insight into why aroha is so powerful. When individuals engage in acts of aroha and kindness, the brain releases oxytocin, sometimes referred to as the ‘love hormone.’ This hormone plays a significant role in bonding and increases trust and generosity. Furthermore, a study in “Neuropsychopharmacology” found that oxytocin could reduce fear and anxiety, creating a calmer, more trusting environment conducive to positive change.

Challenges and Considerations

While the power of aroha is immense, it’s not a magical solution that works instantly in every situation. It requires patience, persistence, and a genuine desire to understand and connect with others. It’s important to recognise that acting in aroha doesn’t mean accepting abusive or harmful behavior. It also doesn’t mean that if a tension continues to exist despite our best efforts then we should be blaming ourselves. Sometimes the other person is just not ready to change or accept that they need to change. This is where persistence comes in, we should continue to treat the person with aroha, while keeping ourselves emotionally safe.

Conclusion

The power to change situations through aroha is not just an idealistic dream; by engaging empathy, and understanding, individuals can indeed influence and control situations, leading to more positive outcomes. Whether in personal relationships, community conflicts, or workplace dynamics, aroha has the power to transform. As we navigate our daily lives and the complexities of human interaction, I’ll finish with the words from Celine Dion’s song “Don’t save it all for Christmas Time”.

Don’t save it all for Christmas Day
Find a way
To give a little love everyday
Don’t save it all for Christmas Day
Find your way

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